Relationships are complicated in general. But dating?? Psh talk about tough especially during these times. Whether you’re wife material, newly single and ready to mingle, or getting over a breakup, it’s all hard.
But, I have to be honest with the ladies……..
Sometimes it’s US who make mistakes and mess things up for ourselves. I know we want to blame men for everything, but it’s time we stop and take a good look in the mirror at ourselves.
Throughout my own personal observations, personal mistakes, and counseling women on relationships, I have been able to narrow down the 5 biggest mistakes that women make when dating.
1). Dating less attractive males to avoid “pain”
Let me be real here for a second: downgrading to avoid any type of pain, or “problems”, within a relationship will not make you happy, safe, or even qualify that relationship to stand the test of time. The area I see this happen the most frequently in is in regards to a man’s physical appearance.
Have you ever been at the mall, a theme park, or any other large gathering of people and saw an attractive woman with a not so attractive man? And, if you have seen this, your first thought might sound something like this:
“Why is she with him? I mean, maybe that’s her friend, right? There’s no way they are dating.”
This is a prime example that women will subconsciously downgrade in the looks department thinking that will eliminate the chances of cheating to occur, due to her new partner not appealing to the masses. While this might work to “limit” physical cheating to occur, this certainty doesn’t stop a man from emotionally cheating or, what I like to call mentally cheating on you.
I want to get this fact clear: if a man watches porn, follows a large amount of provocative women on his socials, and/or has way too many female “friends”, that is the perfect recipe for that man to mentally/emotionally cheat. Just because there is no physical woman there, the visuals he decides to put into his mind, will certainly taint his view of you, women in general, and sex. I urge any woman, regardless of the man’s physical appearance, to speak up when you see this occurring in your relationship. If not addressed, it can lead to more issues later down the road.
If you are someone who has caught yourself dating less attractive men, or if you’re currently in a similar situation, you need to ask yourself this question:
“Do I really love this man how he is, or did I pick him to avoid some type of trauma from my past?”
You HAVE to be physically attracted to your partner for anything to last. Physicality is not the only criteria to base a long-lasting relationship on but, it certainly isn’t an aspect to be ignored or adjusted based on avoidance. Be REAL with yourself. If you are an ambitious woman, who values self care and your appearance (in a non-shallow way), determined to reach your purpose, and to be successful, why would you settle? In any area really.
I understand that being cheated on hurts. I’ve been there multiple times. Of course naturally you, nor I, do not want to relive that experience again. But, don’t let the avoidance of pain begin making you accept less than what you desire. That false feeling of security and love will fade before you know it.
2). Canceling a entire race due to one bad relationship
Similar to downgrading, women who’ve had bad experiences with a particular race, tend to adopt the “cancel culture” towards that race. In their mind, one bad apple ruins the entire bunch.
Well ladies, let me tell you the truth about this myth:
All men, of any race, can hurt you. Getting hurt in relationships is not exclusive to one particular race. It’s rather the character of that man that was indeed the main thing that caused you pain, along with ignoring the red flags in the beginning.
I see women changing their racial preference all the time after a breakup. If a woman had a bad experience with a black man, she will try dating a white or Hispanic man. If a woman had a bad experience with a white man, she will try dating a black or Hispanic man. And, if a woman had a bad experience with a Hispanic, she will try dating a white or black man.
Now, let me be very clear: canceling an entire race of men, due to one bad experience, and moving on to another thinking you will avoid pain, is the perfect recipe for another heartbreak to happen due to a false sense of understanding men in general, and unmet expectations. Regardless of race, men are men. While the style of courtship may certainly differ among the races, the overall idea that one race of men are “safer” than the other is a complete lie.
Ladies: if you date a man that is not your natural preference, in addition, if your decision of dating outside of your preference is due to past pain, you will not find happiness, let alone be satisfied. Also, you’re not being truthful to yourself or your partner. Imagine how your partner would feel if they knew they weren’t your type, and you chose them simply out of trauma? They would feel absolutely horrible and then you could possibly be implementing that same pattern onto them.
Stop the cancel culture!
3). Using Dating Apps to find “the one”
Okay, so I might get some kick-back on this but then again, it’s time to tell the truth. So here I go…..
Dating apps are garbage!
Ladies, let’s be realistic. I have personally had, and overheard, conversations from men about how they view dating apps, and the women on them. Let’s just say, they are not trying to find a wife on there. In so many words, men have coined dating apps as making them feel like a “kid in a candy store”. They just want a quick snack to sooth their sweet tooth, and once their satisfied, they leave.
I’ve seen far too many women on these apps expecting a long-term relationship to come out of it. And, if you guessed it, I haven’t seen a successful or healthy relationship come from one yet. Not to say there isn’t a chance, but we must be smarter with these apps.
It doesn’t matter if the app is focused for Christians, blacks, whites, etc. These apps are used as bait to anyone who is vulnerable to it.
Your next pressing question might be: Well, where do I meet men then? My exact answer to that is, I don’t know. But, I can tell you this:
Men are everywhere. Get out of the house. Dress up occasionally and go to the mall. Hang out a local coffee shop. Join a workout class. Go to some networking events or conferences. Just get out of the house! No man will find a woman who never gets out of the house.
4). Unequally Yoked Expectations
The term “equally yoked” comes from scripture. Basically, a healthy and fulfilling relationship should have two people who have the same goal in mind for the relationship, similar core values, and overall just being on the same page. Not in the same book and different chapters. The SAME page.
With that said, I see women requiring a lot of qualities from men, that they themselves, don’t even possess. This is not me saying the women don’t deserve the best. I absolutely believe women, and men, deserve the best person for them. But, what’s best for someone else, isn’t the best for you.
For example: if a woman comes to me and asks why she can’t find a good man, I always ask what qualities is she looking for? The typical list includes tall, handsome, caring, trustworthy, stylish, makes decent money, has a nice car, his own place, ambitious, etc. I then tell the woman that all of these qualities are valid and there is nothing wrong with them.
However, when I began to examine the women that demanded very specific qualities, I noticed that the women who demanded the most didn’t exemplify at least 50% of the qualities they demanded. This is where I saw a possible reason as to why women are not finding that “good” man.
There is a fine line between deserving the best and wanting someone way out of your league. A successful man does not date, let alone marry, a woman who they have to bring to their level. While talking with men about this, they all gave similar stances on the topic. A woman doesn’t have to have everything equal , but she has to be able to show that man that what she demands, she already has, or is working towards. Pretty much ladies, you can’t demand a six figure athlete when you just offer a pretty face. And vise versa, a man can’t demand a successful woman when they don’t have anything going for themselves.
You have to look at yourself in the mirror and really see what do you bring to the table currently. Where you are currently is what you should realistically expect. If you want better you have to be better. Equally yoked.
5). Jumping from relationship to relationship
Now, this is a topic that many women claim to already know, but few practice. Jumping from relationship to relationship thinking that will help you get over the last one, is probably one of the worst “band-aids” you can use as a woman.
I like to tell my clients, and friends, that there is nothing wrong with desiring love. Humans need connection. But, when that desire shifts into becoming a desperation, you’ll begin to entertain anyone who is just there. Hence the term “settling”.
Taking time in between any relationship that has ended, regardless of the length of time, is crucial for your emotional & mental health. The reason behind this time of solitude and reflection is due to the fact that heartbreaks are traumatic experiences on the body. Literally, when humans experience an unpleasant event, the body releases all sorts of chemicals/hormones which creates an imbalance within our system. When a person decides to make crucial life decisions before the ratio of chemicals has leveled out, less desirable outcomes can occur due to your clouded thought process.
Biggest point to take away from this: hit the PAUSE bottom!
Allow not only your body to chemically balance itself out, but allow your emotions to process what happened. Initial emotions of sadness, bitterness, resentment, anger, etc. are all not safe emotional “spaces” to make decisions from, let alone get yourself into another relationship.
I’ve seen this deadly cycle happen to often to women and it leads to more hurt, more sexual partners, and low self-worth. Those who even continue on this route can sometimes end up in homosexual relationships, due to an unhealed past of heterosexual relationships.
I urge any woman who has done this, or is currently doing this, to stop and take a moment and realize that you are setting yourself up for more relational issues. Men can sniff out a woman who was just hurt. It’s easy pray for them because they know that all the have to do is show a little attention and boom, they will get the goodies. Woman to woman…..I know that’s not what you truly want.
I won’t promise the process of healing and being intentionally single is fun, let alone easy. But, I can promise 100% that it’s needed if you want healthier relationships in the future, along with knowing your worth outside of a relationship.
~Coach Alexis
