Are you collateral damage…in someone else’s story?

"People will subconsciously transfer their pain to you in an attempt to heal themselves."

When we meet a person that we would like to get to know; there is more going on inside you than you know. So, when we meet THAT know THAT person that appears to be the person that would be a suitable partner for us. Initially, what happens, is we “project” a narrative (story in our head about the person) about them in our mind. Based upon our past experiences, and from those relationship examples around us (mom/dad; our peers; movies/media…), we carry what we would like love to look like for us¬† You think to yourself that this person fits the bill. We begin to “project a fantasy” of an ideal relationship onto this person. We start thinking about what our life would be like with this person. We think about having intimate moments with them, doing fun things with them; we think about how they will merge into our lives, and our family’s lives…..and even we can go so far as to think about how we would look at our wedding with them. We start to then attach “emotional feelings” about this person to this story…..We think, what a great life we are going to have with this person…right??

Not so fast, is the person ACTUALLY like the person we have imagined? Have you taken this person through a process to show that they are worthy of your love? Or, have you taken this person at face value? Do you tend to trust too easily? Did you get too attached to YOUR desires, wants, and needs…..and not address the red flags you blaring in your face from the moment you met? You know those red flags, something they said or did that upset your spirit….something that made you think, Mmmm?? Did you stop and clarify what was really going on….or did you simply dismiss it because it was not something you wanted to believe about them…not something that matched up with your own dreams for this person.¬†

It is important from the very beginning of meeting someone to “guard your heart” by not allowing your dreams, fantasies, or wants/needs to override “what is really going on” with your experiences with this person. Sometimes, we can become so overwhelmed with our dreams/fantasies; that we do not see what is really there. We think, “I can finally get married” or “This person would look really good on my arm, I can make my peers envious” or “This is better than being alone” or “This person can make me whole and complete” or even for some people, “I can use this person tor my own needs.” Whatever narrative you are carrying, remember, not all people have the same heart as you do; or want what you want…..there are predators out there looking to exploit your vulnerabilities…..and there are even more people who will subconsciously transfer their pain to you in an attempt to heal themselves…and there are others who will choose you to be in their lives because it is easy to manipulate you for their benefit. If you are not aware of who you are and if do not have high standards for how someone enters¬† (and remain) in your life; you can end up being the by-product of someone’s pain, manipulation…or exploitation. Doesn’t sound like what you signed up for huh?

Vulnerabilities such as: using your unhealed wounds; your naivete; your financial status, your loneliness; your sins (sexual, alcohol and the use of other substances; your people-pleasing tendencies; love of money; lack of integrity….many other things) against you…..they can even use your dream for meeting someone special for marriage against you. It is important that we have a good sense of who we are; to address any unhealed wounds; to be aware of your vulnerabilities…and to have your own identity/values to be a foundation for your relationships to be a basis for a healthy relationship. Strong boundaries show others that you respect yourself…and they are important for your own protection. Always¬† “pay attention to your intuition.” They say “we have all broken our rules for someone” but it is very important to NEVER compromise your values FOR ANYONE…or have the person to be the “be all” for us.¬† Otherwise, it is easy to give someone else the power to manage your mind, will, and emotions, which is the springboard for your life….and can make or break your spirit….sometimes your soul. Never allow a one-sided relationship, where the person is using you for their benefit. This is why seeing the truth (and telling ourselves the truth about this situation) from the beginning can save you heartache in the end. There are a lot of good people out there…..however, there are also people that are looking to take advantage of others.

It is not a good idea to be led by your “feelings”…..instead of having a “thinking” process in making sure a person will be a good fit for your life. Choose people that are good for your mental health. Loose boundaries can only lead to undesirable outcomes in the end.

There is so much more detail in the pursuit of love that I cannot mention here due to limited space, but let’s discuss:

  • Your definition of love; and how you developed your “love style”
  • The relationship examples surrounding you
  • Your relationship satisfaction & the outcomes you are getting
  • The red flags that you missed
  • Is the relationship aligned with your values
  • Your vulnerabilities & how others have been using them against you
  • How you have been compromising your values for this relationship
  • How you have been allowing someone else’s issues to define you
  • Your desires, dreams, needs, wants for relationships
  • Your unexamined….and often unspoken expectations of the relationship; and finally
  • The relationship you have with yourself

Let’s chat!!!

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