Culture paints a picture that we don’t have to work for anything anymore. Every week or so, there is an untalented person trending online for some wack song that he or she created in the bathroom while sitting on the toilet. Women get their bodies done and then post pictures of them in the gym as if that’s how they achieved their bodies. Or, people troll celebrities on social media in order to get clout or be recognized in some way. Nobody sees the importance of hard work, and the same has been true in relationships. People stop working to please their partners because they feel that they shouldn’t have to work. It’s an illusion. Anything that you want to last and is worth having requires work, and it is in our relationships that we suffer the most damage as a result of this deceit.
Many men and women get the relationship that they have been praying for, but forget that they have to do what it takes to sustain it. When I have told potential boyfriends in the past that my goal is to be married, I was often hit with the statistic that almost 50% of marriages end in divorce, and therefore it is pointless to be married. It is sad that so many people have ended the idea of marriage solely based on what statistics say. If we live a life based on statistics, then we would accomplish nothing in life. Statistics are great for gathering information, but they do not have to be the narrative for your life.
In my opinion, many marriages end because once lovers cross the line into forever, they get complacent. They stop doing the things that made their husband or wife fall in love with them from the beginning. It is important to figure out new ways to make each other happy. In order to do this, you have to consistently speak their love language. Effective communication would obviously be another very important factor, but that will be for another blog post.
If you’ve never heard the term “Love Language,” don’t worry, you probably executed some of them unbeknownst to you. In general, there are five love languages that most people respond to, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, and Quality Time.
For me, I respond most to quality time. Don’t get me wrong, I love receiving gifts, but I know that when a person loves me, he will give me time currency. Men typically claim to be busy creatures, so the amount of time a man gives says a lot about how he feels about you. That is why when guys are inconsistent, either in phone calls, setting up dates, or just wanting to be in my presence, I know that he really doesn’t like me, and I know to let him go. The love language that I respond to the least, is physical touch. I think that I honestly got this from my mother. She was never a touchy-feely person, and neither am I, but our loved ones will know that we love them because we are great at acts of service and gift-giving.
I had to check myself though. Just because physical touch is not my love language, doesn’t mean that I can neglect my partner if physical touch is his primary love language. Relationships are about compromise and selflessness. I have to be willing to do what makes him feel most loved in order for him to reciprocate that love back to me. In past relationships, I learned to adapt to my partner’s love language. One of them really loved physical touch. All day, every day I was being grabbed, hugged, kissed, massaged, caressed, etc. We had to fall asleep cuddling. Sometimes I didn’t feel like being touched, and at night, I tend to sweat in my sleep, so I hated cuddling unless the temperature in the room was cold. But, I realized that this made him happy so I made sure that I didn’t deny him that type of love. I had to compromise.
As women, oftentimes in relationships, we tend to look only for what we can get from our partner and not what we can do for our partner. What is your partner asking you for, that you need to work on? What can you do to speak your lover’s love language(s) consistently? We have to be able to speak our partner’s love language, fluently, even if it’s not ours. That requires sacrifice. If your lover likes acts of service, ask him in what way can you serve him. If he needs words of affirmation, tell him what you love about him, and reassure him of his importance in your life. If he needs physical touch, ask him how he wants to be touched. Rub him down with a nice massage, give him random kisses and hugs, hold hands, and cuddle. Learn how to love your partner, so that they know that they are loved. Sacrifice is what determines whether or not a person loves and values you. This is why so many marriages end in divorce. Relationships are failing because our culture tells us that it’s all about us (the women) and that men’s needs don’t matter. Love requires work. Love is a partnership. It is two people who are willing to do everything to keep the love alive. It is a daily job, and when we figure this out, I believe we will see a decrease in divorce and more successful relationships/marriages increase.
~Love, Peace and Blessings~
