During the times we’re facing right now, it’s easy to feel like there’s so much we need and want. They are valid needs and understandable wants. But, what happens if we start feeling like we shouldn’t have to ask for these things to be met?
How many times have we needed something and not asked for it because we feel like it’s obvious?
Don’t the people in our circle KNOW I need these things! Like DUH! (Old school word but it applies!😁)
Here are a few factors to consider when it comes to asking for what we need/want to help us assess how we should move in the moment of getting our needs/wants met.
Key question to ask ourselves- How important is MY need and want to the other party?
We must look at their priority list to determine how obvious OUR needs are to them. Something high on my list may not even register on theirs. Meaning, if this particular need/want isn’t even on their radar, why do I expect them to pick up on it? They aren’t there. Our “obvious meters” aren’t matched up, so what I plainly see in front of me, they are not even aware of. Priorities are huge and we’re often made to feel like we’re being selfish for honoring ours. However, it’s key to remember we all have different lists and we may need to make our needs/wants known simple because the other party has their own list in mind and ours isn’t clearly seen at the moment…Acknowledgement = An Awareness, maybe the other person is just simply unaware of our wants/needs due to focus on their own. This can easily be cleared with consideration from both sides. We can help others get on our level by getting on theirs.
Dealing with Depth-
Sometimes others will know exactly what we need/want but don’t say a word simply because they want us to ask. They want us to need them and openly voice that we need them. The reasons for such desires don’t usually begin with us. Maybe in their past they were always expected to know what was needed by observation, not communication. That rift in understanding could have created a space in them that doesn’t allow for anymore guesswork. We don’t know why, and in a true relationship we won’t need to know why. All we’ll know is that something in them needs to hear us ask. In that asking moment, our loving and understanding attitude will show our willingness to meet them where they are, creating more trust to hopefully free them from that uncertain “guessing space”. Their position is not right or wrong…it is simply theirs. We can honor their dignity by receiving their depth and seeking to understand how they got that deep.
The battle of the C’s
Communication versus Comprehension. Instead of viewing the ask as communicating our needs/wants, we can view it as seeking comprehension on why we have those needs/wants. Viewing it this way helps us to see our expressions differently. Communication seeks to share information. Comprehension seeks to share understanding. Another blog post is coming concerning JUST this! It’s that deep that it needs its own feature!😊 For now though, if we view asking for what we need/want as a way of helping others understand us, it will make for a smoother expression when the time comes to give voice to how we are feeling.
Clarity is the Cure
Lastly, one of the best things we can do, is be very clear about our needs and wants internally. Humility will gently remind us that these are OUR needs and wants and the only person obligated to get them met…is US. Yes, we may have those in our lives who care for us and love us, but they are not mind readers. What is more, they are not completely responsible for observing and discerning our needs or wants. We must meet people halfway and teach them how to do the same for us. Now this does not apply if others seem to be “playing” with our dignity and deliberately holding out on helping us. If we sense that this is the case, a real conversation needs to happen. Through the leaves so to speak, in order to find the root of such behavior. While we’re helping them understand their approach, we can self assess to find our own.
*Why do I feel like I shouldn’t have to ask for what I need or want?
*Is it because I have a desire to be understood completely?
*Do I find comfort in that closeness with someone where we know each other so well we automatically “get” each other without a word?
*Does it bother me to ask, does asking make me feel less than or weak?
These questions will help us dig into our own soil to search for the seeds that make us who we are. Those seeds will quietly remind us how they got there and who planted them. In our self research, we may uncover something that wasn’t quite so obvious…
I sincerely hope this blog has allowed you to identify with your feelings behind the ask, and that you’ll consider these four factors when it comes to deciding if you must ask for the obvious…
Take good care and take good care of each other 💚