Casualty of War

Casualty- a person killed, wounded or incapacitated by some event. Medically speaking this word means a serious or fatal accident. 
Have you been wounded by an event? Was the blow of the pain incapacitating? Were you able to catch your breath, or did you find yourself paralyzed by the hurt you suffered? In a single moment the trajectory of your life can change. One minute you are enjoying a movie, the next a knock at your door ushers in a heartbreaking discovery changing things.¬†Imagine, being a casualty of someone’s unprocessed childhood trauma. I have. Prior to seeking proper treatment, I was also¬†the culprit. I have been in relationships¬†that typically ended after years of me tolerating the individual not showing up fully. The root of this toleration for some represents the role their father played in their lives, or the lack thereof. I kept myself in vicious cycles of accepting what I got because I did not feel worthy of more, nor did I know what more to expect. My self-esteem was low, and any attention I received different from what I received at home made me feel comfortable in toxicity¬†with a different face.¬†
 I was in a relationship too long prior to finding that it was all fabricated. It seemed real, the dates were real and the quality time was real, but there was also another woman receiving the same treatment.  After gaining insight on the level of deceit I was apart of the entire relationship, I understood that a person who would do what happened to me had pain points I could not imagine making me a casualty of their unhealed trauma.  That situation allowed me the knowledge I need to apply to my next relationship. If a person you are interested in talks about their past listen closely and ask how they are healing those areas.  We recreate in our adult lives what happened to us as children. We recreate in our adult lives what we saw as children. We recreate in our adult lives what we heard as children.  Unless, you are made whole physically you may be an adult, but emotionally you are the same age the moment the trauma arrested you. 
This person spoke about his parents often, I did not realize until I was crippled by the shattering pain he was cluing me in on who he was and his behavior.¬† I have taken listening to another level. I found that men do not talk in straight lines as we women do. He could tell you a totally unrelated story but details in the story are his. If you ask about his history of cheating he may answer saying, “I am not a cheater but a woman has visited me while I was with another woman.” If you leave that there you just missed that he dates multiple women at once, so it is not considered cheating to him.¬† Wisdom is the principle thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get UNDERSTANDING.¬†
It was the end of yet another relationship with the same pattern of dishonesty. Every time I wanted to believe the person meant well new evidence would surface. If we were in a court of law, he would have gotten life without parole but he maintained his innocence. Despite what he said I felt like a casualty of the war within him. I felt like another person on his path to self destruction. He was not aware of who he was. He internalized what he saw and what happened to him. He felt alone growing up and that no one saw him. A war was ragging in him, but he was not sure how who God created him to be could win. Until men understand the importance of seeking help for their wounds, every woman they encounter will be in the position I was. Lets ban together and form a untied front encouraging our black men to heal. We need to produce generations of whole children. Remember, generational trauma can fall upon the third and fourth generations. One person healing automatically heals four generations. 

When you encounter situations such as this one, make it a priority to heal. Understand, you can get through this.  Do not take it personal, these individuals seriously need therapy. Internalizing this is detrimental to your emotional well being. Clearly, you are hurting but do not wear this as you did something wrong. Gain what you have to from this situation and move on. Address the areas fragmented by this level of betrayal and pray for the other party.  Always choose you!
LaToya Nicole


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