Cycle of Dysfunction

What are you saying to yourself after the abuse, after the marriage that did not work?

I have been married twice, yes I married the wrong person two times.  My first husband was an alcoholic, we met when I was twenty six.  I was just coming out of a seven year relationship with two little girls.  I was feeling sad, powerless and angry with myself, disappointed after my ex boyfriend had told me after seven years that marriage was too permanent for him.  I met him when I was nineteen.  I knew I had done something wrong, I just assumed that we would get married.  Boy, was I in a fantasy world.   My daughters were 4 and 6 months old.  It was a major struggle giving up the house not knowing where I was going after I walked out on him.  He too was an alcoholic and abusive, mostly emotional, comparing me to his ex girlfriend, she was a little older than I was.  I met my husband 6 months after this relationship had ended.  I guess I was looking to be rescued, so we started dating quickly and we got married some time later.   Did I ignore the red flags?  Yes, I did.  I did not know that I was soul sick from my childhood.  My mother was in toxic relationships and although I promised that I would not go that route, I did.  Learned behaviors are awful. After having two more children, my husband later died.  Then I remarried, instead of going back into therapy, because a lot had happened in that relationship as well.   My second husband was a dry drunk, he had to stop drinking because he was having seizures and was on medication.  He too was abusive.   I suffered from emotional abuse as a child starting with my mother, then later in my relationships.  I grew up scarred.  In 1992 I was at the end of my rope.  I decided  to get some therapy.   Then I had to learn the power of forgiveness so that I could heal.  I was determined not to allow anger and resentment to live in my heart forever.  Growing up, feeling like a victim, I had to learn to see people, through the eyes of God.  None are perfect and neither am I.  Sadly, hurting people hurt people. 

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