Can I spill the tea? If you said yes, keep reading because did you know there was man who “fell on” hard times and went to his woman to provide his needs? And time and time again she listened to his stories and feeling obligated to be his support system she provided whatever he asked. That’s right, when he needed money, she supplied it, even for his bad habits. When he needed a place to stay, she created space at her home and allowed him to move in with her. When he needed a ride, she even let him take her car, whenever she was too busy to bring him and pick him up herself.
Now as time went on, this man continued to always be in need. Never able to or willing to provide for himself, not even his daily basic needs. To make matters worse this man showed the one taking care of him to the best of her ability’s no respect. After spending hundreds on top of hundreds of dollars and bending over backwards to make and keep him happy this man was still seeing other women and talking to her crazy whenever he felt like it. Sometimes he would even become verbally or physically abusive! And while you may say there’s no way I would put up with such behavior, I have you to know thousands if not millions of women are doing so right now.
So, I ask you again – do you feel obligated? If so, I want to speak to you today and I want you to hear me and then implement the best practices I give you so you can get your power back and live empowered. Because as a woman in a relationship with a man who hasn’t chosen to give you his last name, you are not obligated and should not show up for him like this. You should not be giving your boyfriend money. You should not be giving your boyfriend a place to stay. You should not be letting him loose in your car. And you definitely should not accept or tolerant him abusing you.
There is a misconception that is now popular in culture, where the woman is out making money and holding the house and the man down. And I’m telling you there’s nothing wrong with you having your own and being able to provide, but providing for a grown man while he repeatedly tells you sad song after sad song or demands that you give him this and that is to be ignorant to the fact this man is using you, while he lives life care free. To fall into this way of thinking is to believe that this is the way relationships should be and what you must accept, and it’s not.
You’re better than letting someone who in many instances claim he loves you treat you like dirt.
You must mindset shift. You must smell the Folgers brewing and burning in the kitchen. Because if you don’t, you’ll find yourself frustrated and overwhelmed with a man who can and most often times does leave for green pastures or simply when he no longer wants to be bothered, yes bothered with you. Trust me, it happens more than I would like to admit. The man treats the woman bad, throws her away as though she’s nothing, and wait for it – comes back when he’s ready. And you know what it most instances she accepts him knowing fully well he didn’t treat her right before and without setting any standards and expectations so he can know he won’t get away with the same behavior.
And this cycle repeats when there should not have been a cycle from the start.
Enforce Your Standards!
Back in the day, we used to say put up or shut up … don’t talk about it, be about it. Okay! So I’m telling you without standards you’ll accept anything. And if you’re serous about having and being in a loving relationship with a man who values you and treats you as the Queen you are you must enforce your standards! What I’m saying is a man can’t do something to you repeatedly when you shut him down and out. Yes, he may do the fool one time and blind side you, but like mama say fool me once shame on you, fool me twice that’s a shame on me. And I will not let you continuously shame me! (I paraphrased that last line cause mama actually said I’ll be ________ if I let you shame me again!
It’s the little tests that you overlook, that emboldens him to continue and if you have no standards, well he’s determined he most certainly can do and say as he please as there’s no measure to keep him in line. Now I’m not saying try to control him. However, know what you want and need in a relationship and what you’re willing to accept as loving and respectful. Do you know? That’s no shade to you. I’m honestly asking have you went on a date with you to know what you want and need from him. And if you’re answer is no then Queen you shouldn’t be dating because the whole point of dating is understanding what the man, you’re with brings to the table so you can know if you’d like him to contribute to yours. And at this point if you don’t know you, your table is empty.
Relationships aren’t meant to save you, they’re a partnership and no one wants to nor can they partner with someone who has nothing and knows nothing.
Know When to Walk Away
Yes, walk away. You see too often we see and hear of people holding on. But holding on to what should be the question? For example, you see high profile celebrities constantly cheating on their spouse and the question is what are their spouses holding on to? They may say love, however, it’s not. Anyone who knowingly and willfully hurts you, brings you pain, and cares so little about doing so he does it over and over does not love you. So, are they holding on to love and family? Or are they holding on to toxicity and disrespect? I can tell you it’s the latter. Yes, they may say outward I did it for my kids.
But kids know more than adults think and they can tell when you’re unhappy and staying with a man that’s making you stressed and depressed isn’t a gift to your kids. It does more harm to them than good and what you end up modeling to them is that it’s part of life to live miserable and allow your spouse to treat you like a fool unworthy of love and respect. Yes, they may say I wanted to keep my family together. But you can’t keep a man that doesn’t want YOU to keep him. Besides just because you have kids for a man doesn’t mean the relationship is meant to last forever, especially nowadays when too many of us are blindsided by people’s screensaver, and choosing wrong and for the wrong reasons.
More likely than not it’s to avoid the shame and embarrassment of failure, to avoid the process of starting over, to avoid the I told you so’s and to avoid losing what they think is some type of security, status, or acceptance by being in a relationship. And that’s not just celebrities that’s everyday people. It takes strength to look at your relationship honestly and openly and know it’s not working and walk away. To walk away is not to fail, it’s to learn that this isn’t healthy, this isn’t working, this isn’t the best for me and to know you are worthy and deserve someone who will treat you as such.
Is walking away easy? NO! Absolutely not, to walk away is to accept a harsh reality that we’ve emotionally invested in someone and something that didn’t turn out as what we had in mind. Though that’s not easy, it’s possible and people begin new chapters in their lives every day. And while I focused on the dating aspect the fact is even if you’re engaged or married your relationship should still be a partnership. If it’s not and you’re engaged you need to ask yourself, do you really want to say I do to this? And if you’re married you need to ask yourself, what do I need to unsay I do to.
~We do have obligations as adults, however, taking of and providing for the men we’re with isn’t on the list, especially when the man in question has made no commitment to us!~Coach Sam
~EXALTED ROYALTY~ A C.E. SAM COMPANY