Faith Over Fear

Memory Verse: For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Tim. 1:7


I think most girls dream of their wedding day and being married. We play “house” and we have crushes on the neighborhood boy. I was married for 18 years to a man I met at the gym. It was a rebound relationship. During our courtship, I knew that there was something not quite right about the relationship but we both stayed out of fear. He proposed to me after I broke up with him. He was afraid of losing me and I felt I needed to reward him for buying me a ring.

Months later we got pregnant. I did not want to embarrass my mother or my church family any further because my sister, who was also unmarried was pregnant as well. He refused to zero in on a wedding date. I realized that the ring was just a token to hush me. I gave my boyfriend an ultimatum. I told him we should pick a date and go to the courthouse to get married before the baby was born. He reluctantly did. And boy did he rebel. He cheated several times, I cheated to get revenge and avenge my ego. But we both stayed out of fear.

I was afraid of being alone. I had four children with him and I was afraid of being a single mother. I was afraid of the stigma of being a divorced woman with four children. I mean who would want me after having 4 children? But there was something inside of me that wanted something better. I held on to the dream of being loved in a healthy way. I was tired of the cheating, the disrespect, the criticism, the arguing, the fighting, and the pretending in front of the children. I was tired of the façade. I was tired of the silent treatments, the cold side of the bed because he was sleeping on the couch, and going to church alone. I wanted something real and deep. There is nothing more painful than being married on paper and feeling lonely.

After the last time he cheated on me, I filed. Miraculously I was able to file for free when years before I was denied. It was all about God’s timing. God was with me every step of the way. He sent people in my path to soothe me, exhort me, encourage me, and comfort me. I am grateful for the people in my life, my burning bushes.

I never expected to be a divorced, single mom in my 40s. It has not been an easy road especially for my ten year old who misses his dad very much. Now, it is like God brought me back to my teenage years teaching me how to be pure and how to wait with expectancy on my new chapter with the eyes of faith.

I no longer live in fear. Fear kept me in my own cage for years. I am at peace and content living in the freedom of God’s salvation and hope.

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