And He responded with one word, connection. With that one word, I realized that because I am perpetually disconnected from soul fulfilling relationships that even the imitation of one is enough to seduce me.
So then I ask, why is it so hard for me to feel connected to people? At this point, I feel the Holy Ghost get excited because after 40 years and so many attempts at bad relationships, I’m finally asking the right questions.
I remember feeling lonely since the age of 5. I have a vivid memory of sitting on the bench during recess, not because I was in trouble, but because I was alone. I don’t even understand how that happened, but it did, and that same kind of scene repeated itself throughout my life. I was always on the outside of social circles, looking in but at the same time, I didn’t look like I should be on the outside. I look like I should fit into somebody’s group, I’m normal looking with a pretty decent personality. That’s why people are so surprised that I’m 40 and still single. If I had a dime for every time someone told me I was the “whole package”, I would have the real estate portfolio that I want right now! I never answer them because how can I explain feeling perpetually lonely and empty on the inside since I was five years old? I’ve tried to use a lot of things to fill that hole including religion and sports and dating, all which failed miserably. Not only did they not fill me up but it made me angry because if these things didn’t work, then I felt like I had no hope that I would ever not be lonely, that I would be worthy of love and connection. This left me so vulnerable to the semblance of connection, that the occasional man could get through my defenses and sell me hope in exchange for sex. But I’ve found out the hard way that dating to be connected only creates more disconnection.