Your life came to be with pain, you will experience pain and it may end with pain. Unfortunately it is unavoidable! However, staying hurt from painful experiences does not have to be your default mode. Because we are raised under the wings of others who may or may not have known what is best for us, we carry some burdens that are not our own. These burdens, in this case are the negative thoughts we have about ourselves, abuse for which we feel responsible, feeling undeserving, an inability to trust, a mindset of lack, holding grudges and the list goes on. All of those paradigms are rooted in hurt of not getting our emotional needs met as a child and not knowing how to get them met now. What I know is that most of us are very low in emotional intelligence and it was not fault of our own that we didn’t learn it. However, now it is up to us to become emotionally educated and begin the process of healing from past hurts and living a full life that demands us to lay down what is not ours to carry.
The first step in healing from hurt and pain is naming the hurt. Some of us are too prideful to admit that we are hurt and pride will kill any attempt at joy and fulfillment. It’s called self-talk. Just say, “he hurt me, she hurt me and I want to learn how to forgive them and forgive myself for holding on to it for so long”. This is positive, affirming and it untethers you from an unknown outcome. The next obvious step is to work towards forgiveness and I will admit that it is not easy for some. But, it becomes easier with practice and growth. Then we practice self-awareness. This means giving yourself some space to think about what you are thinking and feeling before reacting. In this practice, you will learn how you experience life through your emotions and hopefully you will learn how irrational you truly are. You have heard the term, “hurt people, hurt people”? Yes, you have and it is true. Holding on to hurt demands space in your mindscape and heartscape. And, it is a big gapping, dark, ugly space, that does not allow for any of those wonderful giving emotions to reside. Inevitably, you will be the person that hurts others. Hurt and pain robs and steals, kills and destroys everything that it touches. Now, I want to be clear and transparent. There is logic behind the function of hurt from a survival perspective. Fact: Humans and a species of chimp are the only species that purposefully abuses it’s own kind for reasons other than survival. When we harbor hurt and hurt is triggered, the actions that come forth are designed to protect you from other humans who may hurt you. Many people cling to this coping mechanism as if their life depended on it and unfortunately they will never experience the joys of life. Self-awareness is also “checking” yourself. You probable check others very well in your day to day tongue lashings and yes, that comes from a place of hurt. So now you can practice on yourself. Be gentle and compassionate with yourself as you make yourself aware that “you were so wrong for that”, “you are angry, so just take a moment to think”, “I don’t have to say it just because I’m thinking it”, “there may be another explanation, I’m emotional right now and am jumping to conclusions”. As Don Miguel Ruiz Jr. suggests, “be impeccable with your words” to yourself and others. Self-talk is self-awareness, self-awareness is self-talk and I promise that you will need to master these skills towards healing from hurt and learning to love you. Hurt does not have to be your normal. You deserve LIFE.
Be blessed and remember to take your best self into each and every day!!
Your Counselor & Coach,