Is He Really Narcissistic?

Today's blog post was suggested by an ally and inspired by the conversation of Mel and Martel from the OWN TV show Love and Marriage in Huntsville. We can label or feel someone is narcissist; however, the fact is more likely than not the person is simply disrespectful and or selfish because they feel entitled to be and being disrespectful and or selfish doesn’t make them a narcissist. ~Coach Sam

In today’s society we hear the words narcissist and narcissism frequently and if you ask me too frequently. Why? Well, if everyone we meet that rubs us the wrong way is a narcissist what we’re saying is that everyone has a personality disorder. And the truth is they don’t.

In addition, by labeling everyone we can’t vibe or get along with in relationships as such, we fail to see how our personality, upbringings, environment, and even our standards or the lack there of can contribute to us not being able to build with and learn about others in a respectful and healthy way.

So, I ask you is he really narcissistic because the example I’m going to breakdown which was brought to my attention to examine is from a show that some of you may watch called Love and Marriage in Huntsville……

Personally, I don’t watch the show however being that one of my closest allies mentioned it to me specifically, I did check out a clip and I’m going to breakdown the conversation observations that I see and explain my perspective on what I think about this man as it relates to narcissism and him being narcissist.

My assessment of the conversation is this… Mel approaches her ex to speak about his behavior at the restaurant and her body language is open. She’s calm and in control as she’s not yelling waving her hands, clapping at him, or making a scene in any way.

Last week, I talked to you all about following the GLAD procedure. If you don’t know what I’m talking about I value your time so I’ll link the video for those of you who remember you know the L is leading conversations with specific outcomes which she does.

She clearly states she wants to speak about and that’s 3 things- boundaries, respect, and what that looks like for them.

She tells him about his behavior and what was wrong with and well as informs him that it was out of line…

He in turn detracts from admitting he was wrong, which you know is a manipulation tactic called gaslighting from my Recognize Him Series because in essence he flips the script by saying that when she does something its cool references social media…

And this response from him is a clear indication of a red flag… Because why is he following her on social in that manner and asking where she’s going to be? As at this point that’s not his business and she does not owe him an explanation about her private dating life.

I also noted that he stopped his business meeting to interrupt his ex’s date. This too is a manipulation tactic called love bombing.  Why? Because his response is that he wanted to. And just because you want to do something doesn’t mean that you should or that it’s wise. This is an unseen warning of dangerous behavior and again gaslighting, as it states that his behavior and actions don’t matter and he’s free to leave people waiting on him without just cause.

As in one breath he’s supposed to be a business man but doesn’t admit to his behavior being childish which it is. It shows arrogance and that he feels entitled to demand and dictate an explanation from her, which again he does not deserve nor is he entitled to have.

He further responds instead he’d rather do it in her face than on social, which shows more dangerous behavior and him love bombing her. He shouldn’t be tracking her movements like that and in the next breath also says he doesn’t want her to be his wife so again and he would only be with her because of his kids.

And if you know about the manipulation tactic breadcrumbing, you know this is clearly it. Pulling her in emotionally while dismissing her as though he doesn’t want her. And once he realizes his tactics aren’t working as he wanted he asks why are we discussing stuff like this? And shows her a video of her date he took on his phone… Again, more dangerous and toxic behavior. He is again gaslighting her and trying to draw her into him emotionally by taking the conversation somewhere it doesn’t need to go.

Besides, why do that when he doesn’t want her? You see this is a red flag his mouth says one thing, yet his actions show another especially as he then asks her how she going to take another dude to our favorite restaurant… Possessive!

Again, he doesn’t own this restaurant and even if he does see it as a favorite, they aren’t together so why say our favorite restaurant. It’s these little nuances that we sometimes miss when we’re dealing with toxic and manipulative people.

But anyone who is still showing you they’re possessive over what you do and who you’re with, especially when you’re not together has toxic and dangerous ways. And you need to avoid them at all cost.

And clearly this is a dangerous and toxic relationship


1.       Remember this is his ex… and he’s still acting as though she owes him an explanation

2.       This is not their restaurant they are not together… This shows he’s possessive and feels she can’t go where she wants

3.       He insists she should do better… He has no business trying to demand who she should date… He doesn’t know this man nor does he have a say in her dating choices.

4.       He gets upset when she continues to stand her ground which is dangerous as it shows he’s emotionally unstable

5.       He walks away when she brings up his infidelity, so he’s showing he doesn’t want her to hold him accountable for his action, yet is trying to hold her to a standard he has no right to assert

6.       She also tells him recording them was disrespectful and asks why he was disrespectful to which he said he did because he wanted to be. This is a major red flag and unseen warning that shows she did right to end their marriage. A person who doesn’t respect you is a person who doesn’t love you…

7.       She then informs him she’s not his woman anymore… to which he stands there looking at her crazy using the manipulation tactic silence…

So again, dangerous and toxic behavior, which you need to run away from if you see this in an individual, you’re with or had a previous relationship with! As any individual showing this type of behavior and willing to do so in public is telling you they feel entitled for you to answer to them as though you’re a child.

They have the right to publicly disrespect you and there’s nothing you can do about it and you have no business complaining or correcting their behavior. Fortunately the situation didn’t get out of hand but it could have turned violent as again this man as a total disregard for this woman’s freedom to be single and live a single life without him or his input.

So, is he narcissistic…? Let’s break down what that means…

According to mayoclinic.org a narcissistic personality disorder is — one of several types of personality disorders — it is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they’re not given the special favors or admiration, they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships unfulfilling, and others may not enjoy being around them. Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder centers around talk therapy (psychotherapy).


It’s not known what causes narcissistic personality disorder. As with personality development and with other mental health disorders, the cause of narcissistic personality disorder is likely complex. Narcissistic personality disorder may be linked to:

Environment, Genetics, and Neurobiology


By my assessment I’d say I can’t tell you yes or no because I’m not qualified to diagnose narcissism and if every man you meet you label as narcissistic, you’re overlooking a simple truth – he’s disrespectful. Period, as this man states of himself… he simply did what he did because he felt he could and I’ve told you that you must set boundaries and not tolerate a man disrespecting you, which starts by recognizing the little tests he gives you.

I guarantee you he’s been disrespecting her before this incident so this is not a first-time incident this is a continuation of him continuing to show her through his actions how little he respects her. And I can tell you that without knowing the ins and outs of their marriage. As a dangerous or toxic partner first will determine how far they can push the limits with, which typically happens first in a private setting.

In any case when you’re in a toxic or dangerous relationship you shouldn’t stay and when you leave you need to do so in a way that keeps you safe.

Individual situations may vary but these 10 things are important to incorporate in your exit strategy

1.       If you have a confidant, tell them when you’re going to leave… So, they will be on notice to look for you and sound the alarm in case your exit plan goes wrong

2.       Gather your belongings when he is away from you and have a place to keep them hidden until you’re safe to leave

3.       Know where you are going whether that be a shelter, friends, or relatives and have their number if possible memorized… When you know where you’re going that takes one stressful component out of your plan

4.       Do not have any contact with anyone who is a friend of his or mutual connection

5.       If you have money make sure your spouse can’t track or access it otherwise, he may access and drain your account and know where to locate you

6.       Pack all important documents you know you will need OR sentimental items if you can pack them with you… That way there’s no need to go back for anything and you can start over without reordering paperwork

7.       Don’t leave a trail by phone or internet searches that he can trace to your safe place… This also means avoid going places he will go to if all possible as the objective is to prevent him from trying to corner or catch you alone

8.       Have a safe word… Make it something simple to communicate that your confidant can easily identify to know you’re in trouble…

9.       In case things do go wrong think about what is the best thing you could do to remain safe until you can get away

10.    If you can’t wait and need to leave immediately know where the nearest shelter or help center is and go there

For additional information see the website below:



We can label or feel someone is narcissist; however, the fact is more likely than not the person is simply disrespectful and or selfish because they feel entitled to be and being disrespectful and or selfish doesn’t make them a narcissist. ~Coach Sam


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