In the world we live in its easy to consume ourselves with comparison and chase an ideal future that we see others present to us on their highlight reels and social media posts. Or idolize “relationship goals” based off lives of celebrity couples we don’t even know. So much so that we can find ourselves living in a state that we invest all our time and energy in getting to know the guy we’re dating. We can invest so much in him that we lose us – that we live life for him and through him and that we desire to present our life as ideal when in reality it’s anything but. That’s no way to live life or to have a relationship especially not with someone who we’re supposed to be building with for a lifetime.
So, the key to ensure your focus is in the right direction lies in understanding these 3 things:
Your Why for Wanting to be in a Relationship
Yes, what’s your why? I know we often hear we need to know our why as it relates to what our purpose is or even for starting a business. But how many of your closest friends or relatives have questioned your why for wanting to be in a relationship with someone? While you may say it’s not their business and you definitely have a point there is safety in the multitude of counsel. Translation the people closest to you should care about what’s best for you. And caring about you having the best life has to offer is not them mettling it’s them being a support system willing and open to give you sound advice and a different perspective you might not otherwise have. Now in the case no one has questioned your why. Let me do so. Again, why do you want to be in a relationship? And more importantly why do you want to be in a relationship with the man you’re currently with or even the men of your past? What made you choose the men you did?
If you say I don’t know. There in lies one problem. If you say he was fine. There in lies another problem. If you say I wanted him to take care of me. There in lies yet another problem. All of these reasons are a problem because being in a relationship while it brings you things you may need and desire is not about you. Yes, I just said that. Being in a relationship is about the other person. Because relationships are about building with someone else. So, if your focus is you your why is self-centered. No one wants to be with someone selfish only worried about and looking out for themselves. When you’re seeking a relationship self-focused it puts you in the position that you’re main concern is him, how he makes you feel, and what he can do for you. While any man you choose should care for you, it’s not his job to make you happy. Happiness is an emotion and it comes and goes based off what’s happening at any given moment. And at some point, any couple that’s been married or even together for any length of time can and will tell you they aren’t always happy with their spouse.
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Your Purpose in The Relationship
And that brings me to purpose. Typically, when we first start dating it’s safe to say none of us ladies have thought about our purpose in the relationship we chose. In fact, many of us had our first boyfriend in middle school or high school and purpose in the relationship was the furthest thing from our mind. Now this isn’t our fault, many of us didn’t know any better and no one taught us any better. Some of us didn’t hear or learn about purposeful relationships until adulthood and by then had already had several failed relationships. And some of those relationships were toxic and abusive and we found ourselves in a cycle of failure after failure not understanding why we kept running into what seemed to be the same problem with different men.
So here it is Queens, we find the problem in our purpose. You see I was listening to Bishop T. D. Jakes one day and he said something that made me say my, my, my… What it is? Well, it’s this – Nothing’s more frustrating then being stuck second in line behind a front man that won’t move… Translation, you can connect and algin yourself with a man that you truly care about and desire to be with and he not be the man for you. Because you can’t force a man to be a man of purpose and you can’t force him to be a man equipped to help you walk in purpose. Any man you choose is who he is and while you may be influential in his life, you can’t make him your purpose for living life. You can’t make him and his happiness the purpose for staying in a relationship with him. You need to know your purpose in life and how that purpose algins in your relationship. If you don’t, you’ll be in a relationship with someone and not know your purpose for doing so. You’ll be trying to force someone with no ambition to have ambition. You’ll invest giving so much of your time, energy, and love to him that you’ll neglect yourself. And you should know everything on Earth, including you has a purpose. That’s why it’s necessary for you to know your purpose in the relationship and understand that while different relationships bring different qualities into our life, all our relationships whether personal or professional should be valuable to us and for us.
Your Dream Outside of the Relationship
So, when we’re in a relationship with a man he should not be our everything. No relationship should be an idol in our life. Because if we make any relationship an idol, we make that person our God. And there’s only one God. You feel me? People no matter how much we love them, how long we’ve known them, or how much we think they’re the best thing since sliced bread they aren’t perfect. If you get into relationships and forsake everything else you cared about before and everyone else that was important before, you’ll find yourself in a voluntary prison you created to keep yourself from seeing anything and anyone else of value. And that’s why you shouldn’t have the mindset that all you need is one person. It’s just not possible for a person to carry that weight. And to date I don’t know of anyone who has and I’m sure you don’t know anyone either. You should have a dream outside of your relationship.
That way you’re not spending your life in a comfort zone never maximizing your potential and making your dream a reality. Even if you don’t have your dream completely mapped out or know what it looks like you get what you focus on. And it’s possible to have and enjoy your relationship and not loose site that there’s life outside of him and outside of being in a relationship with him. Furthermore, in the case the relationship ends if all you did was make him the center of your world, you’ll find yourself feeling not just hurt and disappointed, but feeling as though the relationship caused you to lose part of yourself. So, I ask you today what is your dream? Yes, I know you may dream to have a loving relationship. But again, outside of having a relationship with the man of your dreams, what are your dreams? The Good Book says anything without a vision perishes so you must have a dream in life that will push you forward and cause you to focus on enjoying life and making the most of the time that God has gifted you. And if you can’t think of your dream or don’t have a dream, I highly recommend you think about what you want out of life before you commit to merge your life with someone else’s because if you don’t, you’ll find yourself living your worth through the lens of the man you’re with as you’ll have nothing to look forward to.
~If you’re overly consumed with him and neglect yourself, you’ll reflect on your past and not realize who you’ve become in your present.~ Coach Sam
~EXALTED ROYALTY~ A C. E.SAM COMPANY
