First, let’s be clear— Online matching and dating can happen on ALL social media platforms. Just because you actually sign up for a dating app, doesn’t mean you cannot meet, date or marry a man from Facebook, Instagram,Twitter, YouTube or LinkedIn. One should never forget that there are unsavory characters on all platforms. Ladies, follow your instincts and use your discretion.
A year ago when I decided to once again try an online dating app, in the span of 10 months I met 2 men struggling with their sexuality, 4 men that were shopping for a woman to have kids with that had ZERO intention of getting married. I also met 2 men with anger issues and a man I was EXTREMELY compatible with yet so scared/damaged that he wasn’t willing to grow emotionally to truly be open to love. Lastly, I met 3 men that invited me on house dates after the first meeting and after I refused, wouldn’t take me on a date again and finally…a man that was actually in a long distance relationship but was looking to actively date other women. Do I believe something was wrong with me? Yes AND No. Yes, I mean, I’m the common denominator. No because just as quickly as I learned of these troubling things, I excused each man JUST as fast. A woman who chooses to actively date has to be in touch with her worth and be WILLING TO WALK AWAY when she figures out that a man doesn’t meet her standards. Once again, ALWAYS be willing to walk away. You see, I’m eternally optimistic about love and marriage but I do know that dating isn’t for the weak nor for those that don’t have a strong idea of who they are or what they desire in a mate.
There is a lot to unpack and here’s MY approach to online dating:
THE KEY! *Assume that up to 90% of the men [or less] you meet on any online dating site or social media platform will NOT work for you. Also assume that all women are viewed as prey by a predator specifically on online dating apps. The reason: most men are in the HUNT for sex while most women are seeking attention, validation, comfort or a real relationship connection. Men that are very active online normally fit into two categories: They are mostly there for business or just looking to get some action for a low investment. Notably, most men who are specifically on dating apps will have issues that have stopped them from sustaining healthy relationships in real life. These issues you ask???!They run the gamut:
Character issues like: Lying, Cheating, Stealing
Currently in Prison
Deep Mental or emotional health issues
No intention of getting married but definitely shopping for a baby mama or a woman who desires marriage that they can deceive for an extended amount of time while they shop for whom they REALLY want.
Looking to get laid
Stanch Immaturity and rejection of growth
Lack of a spiritual foundation
A spoiled and entitled attitude
In an open relationship and looking for new partners
A severely awkward or troubled personality type
They live VERY VERY far away
They are looking for a pin-pal to simply talk to and fill emotional emptiness
Incessant time wasters
They are looking to hustle women out of something— even their life.
Intense anger issues
Bored in their current relationship or taking a short “break”
Deep seated insecurities that need professional attention or healing
They are simply looking for attention because they want new “fans”
Constantly creeping on social media feeding their general curiosities, fetishes and sexual addictions
It’s A LOT right?! I’m sure you could add a few categories also.
The truth is, you could STILL discover these issues in men that you may meet out and about. It’s a little less likely that you will meet a bad man out if you are a confident and whole woman who spends time at wholesome, mature, growth and business oriented places…however bad apples can still surface. You have to establish your own standards and boundaries before you decide to actually date— commit to not wavering on them.
Although men on social media can create ANY image they would like to, while some will been genuine, trustworthy and single-single, many of them have girlfriends they aren’t sure about so they aren’t ready to share them with the world via their page. Accept that they may be more beyond the surface so don’t be afraid to inquire about that when the time comes.
Online dating is for women who don’t mind speed dating and who aren’t desperately attached to an outcome. That means a lady don’t believe that EVERY man they meet is a potential boyfriend or husband. They understand that meeting and dating is simply to collect useful data. They also understand that they must have a certain level of endurance or mental stamina and systems in place for checks and balances. It also means that she is fully in touch with her instincts and discernment. She isn’t afraid of asking hard and sometimes invasive questions. She has a strong cut off game when things don’t add up or something isn’t quite right. She understands that it is a marathon not a sprint.
Online dating is not for a woman who is not confident or is generally negative, skeptical or sensitive about a man’s rejection. So if you know that you need to work on your confidence and sense of self worth, work on those things and then get out there and date online or otherwise. A dating woman has to have emotional maturity and control. She can’t be impulsive or make too many assumptions. She must always be in investigation mode and be courageous enough to ask a man many questions. She understands that a man isn’t necessarily a match no matter how much she may want him. It’s for the woman who understands that an online platform is essentially a “room full of frogs” but that for every 70-100 frogs there will be a small number of princes situated throughout the room. What should she do? Simply don’t mind hoping on and over 100 frog heads to be in the company of the princes. Become sharp at recognizing a prince quickly but vet him as if he is a frog also. She must also figure out if she is compatible with any of the princes in the room…which may or may not be the case.
Lastly be aware that the first few days of interacting with a man is very important with regard to communication. Serious men are checking to see if you’re receptive to them and not distracted or inconsistent. So answer messages and questions consistently and don’t fall off the face of the earth much, ghost or block unless you realize you should move on. Speaking of ghosting, let’s stay away from it but know that it’s a tool to use when a man isn’t respecting your boundaries. A mature woman must be courageous enough to tell a man when she is not interested. A script you ask?!: “ It was nice meeting you but I don’t feel a connection” will do. Sometimes our unconscious behavior tells us EXACTLY how interested we are in a particular man. Also realize that men are full of suggestions; essentially, you don’t have to accept or be open to every suggestion a man makes. For example, you don’t have to give out your number until you’re comfortable(find an alternative), you don’t have to accept their invitation to pick you up or drop you off, to send them a picture or give them a kiss. It’s YOUR world lady and your rules— move like it!
A safety suggestion in dating—get a Google voice number or a temporary number strictly for dating. Initiate talking on the phone in the first few days— don’t become a man’s pin pal for two weeks or more. It’s also good to video chat or FaceTime once or twice in the first few days to see if you actually are attracted and get along with him.
If you’ve met online, it’s OK to suggest meeting without exchanging numbers until after the meet up. An initial meeting for coffee, ice cream, a smoothie, dessert or a walk in the first week to figure out if you get long will suffice. When you meet someone online, your initial meeting can be very short, cheap and simple so you can figure out if you would even want to sit at dinner with this man for 2 hours in the future. And oh by the way pretty lady, you should offer to pay for your half on the first date or two…It doesn’t mean that you end up paying but the gesture is nice, separates your from the rest of the entitled gals and also sends the message that nobody owes anyone anything and no one is entitled to anything either. The field needs to stay level.
A note about texting… Be aware that we can all send the wrong signals and tones through texting. That’s why we can’t text long and we need to actually get on the phone with someone or meet them as soon as possible so that we can process other cues like body language, voice tone, inflection and facial expressions to help us read this new person that we’re trying to learn about.
A few SIGNIFICANT reasons why online dating works against you. Online apps are full of men with agendas looking to get laid and pounce on unsuspecting desperate women with low self esteem. Additionally, many men exclusively date online because they don’t have the confidence to approach a woman in person. If a man cannot get up the gumption to make a connection on person, how can you expect him to make confident decisions in life or to lead a household?! Ijs. Lastly, when a woman is placed in a position to approach or initiate contact with a man on ANY online platform, it flips the natural concept of the man hunting on its head! God designed men to approach because God designed men to propose! When it comes to other social media platforms, you can “like” a picture of someone you’re interested in or make a short comment but be careful about slipping into his DMs. You don’t ever want to find yourself chasing a man— most of them won’t respect it and will feel like they are the prize and have an upper hand.
In closing, the cyber world can be complicated so… why not just skip online dating all together! The best way?! I actually suggest that all women tune into THEIR OWN positive energy, wear a great attitude and smile and NEVER leave the house looking like you’re mad or you just don’t care. Literally go out into the world with more awareness, put your phone away and draw men to you in a natural way when you are out and about. Don’t be afraid to simply say hello, smile or wave when you get in his line of sight or catch him staring. He just needs a WARM signal that it’s ok to approach you.