Looking Forward To It

I’ve been studying a lot lately. That looks like me not being home a lot. I work full-time and once I clock out, I clock into my dreams and goals. I remember a time when I used to clock out of my full-time job and just go on about my day with no urgency in tending to a plethora of aspects in my life that needed attention. I used to feel relieved once I clocked out because I got to go home, rest or just “live my best life”. Most times, I opted for “living my best life” which was comprised of going out to bars, drinking, or hanging out with an ex-boyfriend. So, I was never really home back then either. My family used to witness that. They used to ask me, “Where are you going?” My replies were always one of the following:

A. It’s ladies night at so-and-so bar.

B. Going to hang with my boyfriend.

C. Going out with the girls. 

That was life. Though I was having fun in the moment, I’d always end up tired and complaining about clocking back into work the following day. There I was again, feeling unfulfilled and yearning for more. When I had the realization that my dreams and goals weren’t going to come to me, I took a step back from anyone or anything that could be hindering my purpose. Most importantly, I strayed away from my own fears of not being able to accomplish what I had always dreamed of. I believe we all, at many points of our lives, have amazing ideas and we don’t carry them out simply because we are afraid. There could be many reasons for that fear—mine was the fear of failure. It’s hard to not be afraid or not to think about the possibilities of failing, but it’s also normal to think that way. When I was on the other side of accomplishing anything, I forgot all about the fear that used to hold me back to then face fear again on my next endeavor. So, I cannot forget the process of facing fear to get to the other side nor forget to record every moment I faced fear to use it as a reminder. This reminder is to look forward to what’s on the other side of fear, what’s on the other side of whatever is holding me back. 

A couple of days ago, my grandfather said to me, “You look like you’re in love.” I smiled and said, “Really?” I took it as a compliment. He said this to me as I was on my way out to go study (side note: I can’t study at home because I get sleepy). I knew he said this in reference to my past behavior; the times I used to go out for the wrong reasons but seemed happy. But, it’s different this time because this passion, anticipation and hunger is for the plans God has for me. This love is for fighting for a cause, the love of life, and the love of looking forward to every step forward I take. Despite the obstacles that may arise, my God fights for me and I’m looking forward to every single moment, smooth or challenging, that is gifted to me. 

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