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Note to Self: I Forgive You…Part 2

Self forgiveness is often the very first mile we must make on our journey to our best selves. This BLOG explores a few honest areas in which we may need to forgive ourselves for...

I.F.M. 2

I Forgive Myself for…

Thank you to all who helped me by allowing me to see inside their hearts. I am inspired by your humility, encouraged by your bravery, and delighted that I am in some way connected to each of you.💚 My sincerest hope is that I do your thoughts justice as I expound on them. Let’s go. 

I.F.M. for

not standing up for myself…Bullying can occur at any age. From childhood some of us have to contend with a bully of some sort, and more often than we speak about… the pattern of bullying follows us into adulthood. If we don’t stand up in power for ourselves, we will be forced to sit in pain. A few things can occur while we are sitting and trying to think of a way out- We can ask ourselves who taught us to sit, not stand when it comes to our hearts? When did we learn that we weren’t worthy to stand for? What can we do NOW to show ourselves that we are worth it? Standing up is not an act of defiance, it is an act of development. We can forgive ourselves for not doing so if we examine our reasoning behind it. 

I.F.M. for

rearing my children from a place of emotional pain and insecurity…If we have the privilege of being parents, we know the pressure that comes with it first-hand. It isn’t a dreaded, fear filled pressure…but a pressure to bring up these little people to be respectable members of society. Often as parents we beat ourselves up about the way we do just that. In Part 1 we explored forgiveness for not knowing what we didn’t know. This applies here as well. When emotional pain and insecurity make up our foundation, whatever we build has no choice but to be laced with those elements. We try our hardest to raise our children, not despite our own emotional pain…but because of it. We’d do anything for them not to feel any ounce of what we have felt that hurts us. Acknowledgement now can still save our relationships with ourselves and may foster forgiveness. We did the best we could with what we had in us to use. A candid conversation with our children (if of an appropriate age) may also warrant self healing. It may be a simple admission of injury and an asking for understanding. For example,  ‘I know I raised you from a place of emotional pain and insecurity. At the time I was living in that place. I could not offer you what I did not have to give you. Please forgive me for doing a disservice to you and myself.’ Our children’s acceptance does not determine our forgiveness of self, but it’s a great start to a healthy pathway to begin the process. 

I.F.M. for

not trusting my intelligence by trusting a proven untrustworthy person…Trust is an interesting thing. We may find ourselves trusting others who have a rather tainted track record in the trust department, and wonder what we see in this person that no one else did. We feel less than smart when they prove to be just who they’ve always been. We then might convince ourselves that it’s our fault. If only we’d listened to everyone and not trusted our own judgement. We can forgive ourselves for this. Although it may seem one sided, it isn’t. It is human nature to want to give others a chance. Especially when they’ve not been what we feel they have the potential to be in the past. Maybe we’ll be the one who saves them, or maybe they will finally show themselves to be the person we see when we look at them. If they prove us wrong, guess who the onus lies on…THEM. We offered them one of the greatest gifts one human can give to another…our trust. No matter what feelings we are nursing about how it happened, it is not all on us. We can dance back and forth with ourselves all night, or we can forgive ourselves from the viewpoint of knowing that we hoped for nothing but good to come out of the situation. The blame then shifts to the appropriate lane and allows us to drive on…

I.F.M. for

searching for happiness outside of myself…Not knowing our self worth will cause us to not value our own abilities. To others, we could be the best friend, most loyal family member, sharpest employee, that bright star that makes everyone happy, etc. It may never cross our minds that we have the ability to be those things to ourselves. We rationalize that we can do those things for other people and it’s “different”. The truth is, it really isn’t. Internal happiness can be achieved and it is a beautiful process when it’s sought after. Stopping to ask ourselves one question, and answering honestly could be our ticket to a new destination in our thinking: What prevents me from believing that the happiness I bring to others, I can’t bring to myself? Our answer will no doubt spark other thoughts and begin the internal dialogue we so sincerely need to have. 

I.F.M. for

not letting others in…Shutting the door, putting up a wall, locking the gate. These are all methods used to keep someone or something out. Maybe we were taught from an early age to do so for protection. Sometimes we employ those same methods when it comes to our hearts, our feelings, our mind. Mental security systems are also installed to keep our sanity safe, especially if others have violated our hearts in the past. Often victims of literal break-ins will isolate and shut down for a time to heal and regather the parts and pieces that have been shattered. Over time though, many may express a need to no longer live scared. Refusing to allow the memory of the break-in to be a cause for them to remain overly guarded. Sure they may never completely let their guard down, but they truly try to acknowledge the trauma for what it was and move forward. This method is also effective for our hearts. Are we living scared? Are we not letting others in because of what happened the last time we did? If so, forgiveness in this regard comes with action. Action to not allow one violator of our heart to become the standard that we hold everyone else up to and proceed to judge them against. They have no choice but to come up short in our eyes because it’s impossible to measure up positively against such a negative element.  Not allowing ourselves to sit in silence in quiet isolation as we continue to give this violation of our heart one of our most prized possessions…our power. We can make a choice to live scarred, not scared. Having scars means we have been through something…living scared means we refuse to go through anything else. We get to choose which one will be our guide on our Lifetrip. 

I.F.M for

.…hurting myself while trying to heal others…Healing can be tricky. It’s a long process often with layers and layers of details, emotions, and barriers involved. It is absolutely worth seeking, and very truthfully at times must occur before anything else positive can. Caring for others to the point of trying to assist with the healing process can be even trickier. Maybe we suddenly start to see ourselves in a flowing cape with an S on our chest, ready to save the world. We expend already borrowed energy on this healing until it slowly begins to consume more of our thoughts and time than we anticipated. We find ourselves working harder as a “healer” than the one seeking to be healed. The burn out sets in, and now we need some healing for hurt as well. Careful consideration is needed when it comes to offering services to others that could do a disservice to us. Truth be told, we can not designate ourselves as the primary healer for anyone. Furthermore if they offer us the role, it’s very wise to respectfully decline. True healing begins within each of us, and blooms from there. We are not responsible for someone else’s healing. We can assist by offering support, listening, and focusing on how they are doing in their personal process. Forgiveness is necessary if our attempt to heal others has caused hurt for us. We can take solace in the fact that our hearts were in the right place, but openly acknowledge that healing does not equal hurting for any of the parties involved. If so, it’s time to revamp and try the process differently…

I.F.M for

….not following my dreams…When we were younger we may have aspired to great things in our minds. We knew that when we grew up we’d be exactly who we wanted to be, and most of us could not wait!! Turning those dreams into reality can often be a process- with some favorable aspects along the way, as well as challenges. If we find ourselves completely off track today from the dreams we once had for ourselves, a few reasons may qualify for the detour. Life happens. Possibly something in life caused us to rear off the road we planned long ago. New ideas come with age. Maybe as we became adults our interests changed and we shifted into another space. Playing the “should of, could of, would of” game can have a devastating impact on our minds. Watching the “what if” saga play out over time can also cause us to become discontented. We may replay these things so heavily that we begin to feel inadequate with where we are in life now. Those unrealized dreams become toxic nightmares that haunt us beyond our control. In comes the thoughts and ideas of not measuring up, we aren’t good enough, we could’ve been so much more. Forgiving ourselves for not fully following what we previously planned out is very necessary. The place from which this forgiveness stems is just as important as the act itself. Positivity stemmed in reality is the approach that will benefit us the greatest. True, we may not have ever reached the height we set for ourselves, but is it too late to do so? If we dreamed of being a sports star, can we funnel our love of the sport to a coaching or mentoring platform for young people who love the sport also? If we never became that singer or dancer, can we create a channel, podcast, or blog highlighting our love of the arts and inspire others to learn more about their own love of it too? Simply asking ourselves, is it too late?…can I still live within my dream even though I’m not fully living it out? Our answers will allow us to find contentment inside of our present reality, while still showing honor to the dream. 

I.F.M for

….dumbing myself down to make others feel comfortable...This is a big one. If we have ever been a ray of sunshine at heart but turned ourselves into a shrinking violet, then we know just how painful it is. Downplaying who we are because we sense a level of discomfort from family, friends, coworkers, anyone really, can truly take our joy completely away from us. If we are good at something and others are not, we sometimes feel the need to downplay our talents so as not to offend them. Even if we have the talent naturally and it is sincerely a part of who we are, we will often minimize it to keep the peace, to feel accepted by others, and again, not to offend or hurt the feelings of others. Especially when we are told (usually in a “joking” way) that we think we are all that (old school phrase), or that we are conceited or big headed. This hurts so much because all we were doing was being ourselves. So in essence the ones who express this to us are asking us to be someone else. True we do not want to show a bragging attitude or be so self involved that we are hard to stomach. If we are truly being our authentic selves and we still feel the shade from others, we have to investigate why in order to arrive at a place of self forgiveness. What do most of us do when the sun is shining in our faces? We seek shade. Well if we are resembling sun-like qualities and bringing light and warmth in the room with us, we have to expect that some in that room will use shade as a means to protect their eyes. Others may bask in that sunlight and appreciate the evident glow it brings. No matter which occurs or how often, we have to know that some of our qualities will simply rub others the wrong way. Are they where they want to be in life? Do they show signs of internal happiness? Have you changed or grown into yourself over the years while they remained stagnant? Do they secretly admire you but are too prideful to express it? Your answer to all of the above may be… I have no idea…That is absolutely fine, the point is, we do not know what others are thinking or feeling. All we need to know is they are feeling something if our joy brings out their pain. Furthermore, our power is at stake. No one likes the idea of being controlled by a puppeteer who is holding the strings and moving us about. When we allow the comfort level of others to be superior to our authenticity, we are allowing someone else to control our actions. This is a dangerous position to be in. When we choose to forgive ourselves for allowing such behavior, we are in fact cutting the strings and deciding to shine regardless of the shade that attempts to block our radiance. 

Again, I want to thank all who helped me with your forgiveness of self topics! You know I love feedback so please reach to me with yours.

Take good care,

Coach Teena Marie 💚

 

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