One day I called a friend that lived out of state to catch up on ‘life’. I was expressing a few situations that had occurred. Really, I was ‘babbling’, out of frustration from feeling overwhelmed and exhausted by the situation. I do not remember the details of what I stated, but I do remember that my close friend of 20 years asked a question of me. “Why are you always on the defensive? Why don’t you just tell him no! You’re not doing it, you don’t want to talk to him, since that’s how you feel, and stop defending yourself”!
Needless to say, I was speechless,… for a moment anyway. Then I began defending myself to my friend about why I was defending myself. (lol) -Funny, but not funny. After we went back and forth a few times, I explained that me defending myself, made me feel like I had a voice. Made me feel like what I expressed and how I felt was being taking into consideration by someone that cared about my feelings.
After our talk, I thought long and hard about what my friend said, and he was right. ( I did eventually tell him he was right. Never tell a LEO their right, LOL) I was pleading my defense. Which always lead to a back and forth argument. Why I did this, why I forgot that, why I didn’t want to do this, why I decided that… the list goes on and on. Even though in my mind I felt like I was arguing my side of the story, because I thought they cared about my how I felt. However, my point and opinion, at this point, truly did not matter. You know why? Because, it was not being received and not being heard. Yeah they listened, but they did not hear anything that came out of my mouth, because I was constantly saying the same thing. I felt like Jackie Chan in Rush Hour, ‘Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth’…
Bottom line, once I learned, and continue to learn to this day, that with not caring about them, I automatically care more about me. ME is more important than THEM! And I can then WILL longer be the Defendant in that situation, but the Plaintiff, if needed.