Reading Currently…Insecure in Love


I just started reading a book on attachment called “Insecure in Love” by Lisa Becker-Phelps PHD this morning. I already know where I stand as far as attachment (fearful, anxious).

So when asked to assess myself briefly, it was a breeze. They gave two descriptions without labeling it, one was anxiousness (rated myself 6/10) and the other avoidance, (4/10).

Since I was 23 years old I pushed myself to be more open minded and trying to give guys a chance, because the total dismissive avoidance thing was not serving me at all, I was fed up.


The Anxious Side

But it created more of a neediness in me over the years since because of using it on the wrong guys. Men I dated eventually ran away (gradually & abruptly). And that became a new pattern for me.

I said 6 for avoidance because I really hold it in and keep my pride. (I have outlets, but usually don’t tell the guy I like him because I’m unsure) So it spins me into more anxiousness. Because I’m trying to make sure the guy won’t know too much of my feelings. (Ex: I don’t usually try and make plans, I don’t rush him in pursuing me, kissing me, touching me, talking to me more) although I want it.

It makes me question a lot. I still like the option of being coupled or not. So my confidence in the relationship goes down. But ultimately I assume it’s Gods protection.

In a way, I protect myself. Yet I seethe quietly when I don’t feel like things are moving fast enough. This probably manifests in some passive aggressiveness though. Um…guilty?

I also don’t actively try to move things along because I know it’s probably not the best fit even if we did try it out. But dang it seems like no one wants to hold that further spot in my life.

I thought men are direct, but in the female mind we detect things through words, and actions. Sometimes actions and words are inconsistent thus pushing the narrative,

“Whats wrong (with me)?”


“he just doesn’t like me like that.”


The Avoidance Side

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On the other hand, I avoid deeper discussion, deeper chances for intimacy. It’s uncomfortable for me, so I avoid the questions that are revealing of deal breakers.

“How do you feel about living abroad, traveling abroad?”

I avoid also talking deeply about what I do because I’m sort of confused on that still.

I avoid telling someone what I need from them for fear they will run. I don’t believe deep inside that someone can be just what I need in a man and that’s really sad, and I hope it changes.

But to be fair to myself I also don’t notice signs in my spirit that it’s okay to be intimate in those ways also. I paint in my mind a different way they can be useful.

Sometimes men I treat like a present I never asked for. Some crazy hideous blanket I never wanted, or a piece of pottery I may or may mot think is beautiful, but always thinking it has a purpose somewhere.

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I can make use of it somewhere. After all, it came to me as a gift how ungrateful of me would it be to trash a gift? That would make me mean, dishonest, and no one ever lets go of gifts that aren’t for them. Right?

I’m just reflecting. Because I have a real reoccurring issue: Its difficult to have courage to say,

“it’s not the best fit” “it’s not a good match…”

“Maybe we don’t have similar futures…”

“It’s not you its me…”

For the record, I do not make a conscious effort to see the men that have come into my life this way as it happens.

And then on top of it, letting people go down gently, is only half the battle. The other is trying to approach it from the best method of communication.

& the final layer for me is knowing the right timing.

Had a guy the other day tell me he has to postpone our date even further. (Its been like two months of back n forth with the kid.) But I already know God told me he’s not ready for me pretty early on.


So anyway, I have to take action no matter how comfortable or uncomfortable I am. I have to make a choice even if its the wrong one! I guess if I were to coach someone through this you cannot concoct the right timing, the right way necessary. Just be genuine and release yourself from the stress if it’s stressing you out. That’s whats most important. Dating should not be this stressful.

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