Thank you for taking your time to read this piece. It is something I have been wanting to write for a while but out of fear of offending or this being taken the wrong way I held back. But I found the right way to express myself without tearing anyone else down in the process.
By simply using the truth.
I hope this piece inspires whoever is reading, to be selective conscious and intentional about the kind people you let into your life.
People are self-serving and if you aren’t careful you’ll end up being a character in somebody else’s story when you can write your own book.
I am sure many women probably even some men can relate.
Dangerous people will make your life difficult, safe people will support you in life by making the difficult times seem simpler.
Myfavorite number is 20. So naturally, I was PUMPED for 2020 to roll around. This was also because 2019 was when I became aware that I needed to take control of my life and stop allowing others to treat me like trash.
If you behave like a floor or door mat, people will treat you like one. They’ll use you to clean off their shoes and only miss you when you are gone.
It was difficult for me because taking control of my life meant I had to stop living in denial, to me that’s what taking control of your life means.
Taking your head out of the clouds, out of fantasy land and coming back down to earth. Earth is where we live and we need to stay grounded so we can come to terms with the fact that things aren’t always what they seem.
If this hasn’t happened to you yet, it will, unless you live under a rock.
When someone lets you down it doesn’t mean they are bad people, It just means they are HUMAN!
Why Do People Let Us Down?
Everybody makes mistakes which is why it doesn’t mean that they are evil or, that they don’t care about you. It just means that we are living in a time where people,
- Don’t know who they are
- Don’t care to find out who they are
- Are afraid to show who they are
- Misrepresent themselves to get what they want
- Have too much going on in their own lives to care about yours
- Aren’t living in reality and have too high expectations
- Haven’t healed from their childhood traumas
*This is in my opinion, from my experiences*
For example, my first love, lied to me about his age when we first met. I didn’t think to ask for his ID, he had a job, his own place and he always looked pretty put together.
Now, this doesn’t seem like a big deal but let me break it down.
I was 23, and just dropped out of college to move in with him, because of, yep you guessed it, love…
Six months in… I find out randomly and accidentally (someone at work had the same birthday as him).
He was actually 19.
When I asked him about it, he confessed, which I respected. He said knew that if I knew the truth I wouldn’t be with him.
He was right!
But, I stayed with him because he told the truth when confronted, he was faithful to me, and I never had to question how he felt about me or my place in his life when we were together.
But, as I have come to found out when a relationship is started on a lie, omission, deletion etc.
It is not real and there is no way it will prosper.
Eventually the truth will come out.
You’d think I’d ask the next guy for his identification. Nope, so I was on my way to stepping in some bigger foolishness almost a year later.
When, I was 24 I ended up in a “relationship” with someone almost twice my age.
I thought that this would be better and I wouldn’t have to deal with the stuff I had to deal with younger guys.
NOPE I WAS WRONG
In fact, this man approached me, and totally manipulated me. He misrepresented himself and took full advantage of the situation I was in.
It was 2015, I just got arrested, and he said he could help me.
I believed him.
I didn’t find him attractive, or anything like that. I was TERRIFIED, my lawyer never showed up to court so I was sitting outside, crying.
I WAS BAIT
This man walked up to me and offered to help. If I would have known that all he was thinking about was you know what, I would have never accepted his help.
My brother tried to warn me but I didn’t listen.
In reality he had no intention of helping me, and every intention of getting in my pants. And, It worked because I was inexperienced, stupid and too trusting.
I was really inexperienced when it came to men, I only had two other relationships prior to him and those were in college so they didn’t last long and didn’t count.
Perfect prey for that kind of predator
…I will never let a man take advantage of me like that again.
Eventually I ended up “dating” him, it only lasted 30 days. Again, I found out on accident he was not who I thought he was. One day, he asked me to help him fix something on his computer,
once I saw what was in his history,
…the rest was history.
I am so happy I had the balls to stand up for myself and, end the relationship.
One thing about me is when its over, its over. It may take me a while to let go but when I finally let go, that’s it.
Can you believe he also lied about his age when we met? He told me he was 45 when in reality he was 47 going on 48…
He even introduced me to people as his friend when we would go out and go on dates.
Like a fool I never said anything and remained silent like a floor or doormat. Eventually he admitted that he used me, manipulated me and etc.
I’m sure he slept with other women while we were together.
I found makeup in his car and he lied right to my face but, told me the truth on accident a couple years later.
Yep, the truth always comes out.
I let this man into my life, my heart, my home and my family.
We would do all kinds of stuff together. Even after I ended things I tried to be friends.
Eventually it became too much for me.
He was the last person I ever introduced to my family as my boyfriend because I felt so stupid once I realized what was really going on.
He was only using me because I was “arm candy.”
As someone who didn’t consider themselves attractive then, I couldn’t understand this.
Thankfully I never fell in love with him… How ever it was still very, very hard to let go.
It wasn’t all bad. Or else it wouldn’t have been so hard to let go.
There were times especially in 2019 when I reached out to him because I had no one else and he was there for me. We also had a lot in common and I could really be myself around him. I didn’t have to lie or hide any parts of myself.
Like I said he isn’t a bad person, he is very witty, intelligent, charming, charismatic.
He knew all the words to some of my favorite songs. We could talk about anything from love and hip hop to deep personal emotional stuff. When he was having an off day and needed some support he’d tell me and i’d be there and vice versa.
We never really got into arguments because he was straightforward and so was I. He also had no problem calling me out even if I would get upset because he knew i’d get over it and eventually we’d be laughing again.
At times I really felt as if he was my best friend. But then when I think about all the pain, all the lies, how he plotted on me, how in his own words “he viewed women as a warm hole to stick his you know what in.”
I realized he was never my friend, he can never be my friend and I had to let him go.
If it wasn’t for counseling and moving away I would still be allowing people to treat me poorly.
I called him and told him that we couldn’t be friends. He told me he understood and that he realizes that this is the consequence of his actions. He wished me the best and that was it. I don’t know if I will ever talk to him again but I know that we will never be as close as we used to be.
It was so hard for me to get over the situation but it made it easier when he was no longer part of my life.
It’s hard to let go of people you once cared about, even if they hurt you. But, once you know better, you must do better.
Now that I’ve grown up and matured. I’ve moved on and away. I’ve decided not to date because I am extremely traumatized from everything I have gone through in the name of love, relationships and friendships.
I have also made myself inaccessible to anything that doesn’t align with my personal values and beliefs. If you want to be in my life there are certain boxes you must be able to check off.
I could list them here but then that would make it easy for people to fake. Observation and time is the only way you’ll be able to tell who someone really is. Through observation and time is how I will pick the next people I add to my life.
I’m not ready yet, but I will be soon…
Don’t be too quick to let people into your life and don’t be too quick to do things for others or to to eager to help.
All snakes will bite eventually, as it is their nature.
I reflect on why I allowed people to use me and take advantage of something so precious to me,
My body, my sanity, my self respect, my kindness, my loyalty, my friendship, my time, my love.
It all boils down to this.
I never learned how to set boundaries with people. I was insecure, I clearly didn’t love myself and I had no respect for myself, at all.
Unfortunately I didn’t learn my lesson when I was 25 but by the age of 29 I have.
Someone who used to be very near and dear to my heart said something to me one of the last times we spoke:
“Relationships deteriorate for all sorts of reasons, and just because a relationship has changed doesn’t mean it still can’t be great”
At the time I agreed with their statement but now,
Often times when a relationship changes it means things are not great.
Sometimes when a relationship changes it means that there has been too much pain inflicted on both ends, for there to be any kind of reconciliation.
Especially when one person lied, omitted, mislead, or misrepresented themselves. Even if this was not the intention.
Sometimes these things happen on accident, other times they happen intentionally. Or, because you think you are doing what you think is best.
Newsflash you can’t determine what is best for someone else.
Only they can.
Unfortunately, I have come to find out that the reason why someone did something will not take away the pain. It simply can’t and, sorry just isn’t enough. It can’t and won’t give you back the time that you lost.
I am the kind of person that gives situations my ALL. Work, school, life, love, hobbies etc. unless it is something I don’t want to do.
These days no is my first answer, I learned this from my father.
Especially if its something that doesn’t benefit me and I have to go out of my way for someone else.
If its not for my mom or my dad. The answer is probably going to be no unless it is something that I want to do.
That being said neither of these individuals referred to in this piece are evil people or even bad people.
I don’t hate them at all.
But, what I have learned from them is that there are safe people and there are dangerous people.
These individuals and a few that came after them were dangerous people to me.
Dangerous in the sense that, they didn’t give me the chance to make an informed decision.
They didn’t give me a chance to evaluate the situation and make a choice in my own best interest.
They were only concerned about their needs. Safe people consider the needs of other people.
They inflicted pain and left scars that have made forming relationships with people more difficult than it already is.
Dangerous people inflict a lot of pain in your life even if its not intentional, you simply just don’t feel safe, or okay with them in your life.
Safe people uplift, encourage and support you and inspire you. They add joy to your life. Even if there are disagreements no one walks away feeling like crap.
However, just because somebody is dangerous to you doesn’t mean that they are dangerous to everyone. Sometimes people bring out the worst out side of you, this is why they are dangerous to you.
There are several people that I have self-identified, and labeled myself to be a danger in their lives. It isn’t easy but it is true. I spent a lot of time operating from a place of pain and hurt. This is what dangerous people do
It doesn’t mean I’m a bad person, it just means they don’t feel safe with me in their lives.
It’s okay because I probably don’t feel safe with them in my life either.
It is true that we all need friends but we need safe friends. Not dangerous ones.
Mydangerous quality is the fact that I cannot let go of the past. Especially when I gave something my all and the other person didn’t. Because of this when someone wrongs me, or relationships and friendships fail. I cannot keep them in my life, there are two reasons for this:
- First, It is not fair for them to be constantly reminded of where they went wrong, and what they did to hurt me. Especially if they truly feel bad about it.
- Second It’s almost impossible for me let go of the pain I haven’t learned how to, this is where i’m at in life. And, it’s not fair for me to constantly have to feel and be reminded of the pain, hurt, and heartbreak inflicted due to their actions.
2015 was the last time I was in a relationship. Since then I have been focused on living everyday for me and falling in love with myself more and more, as each day passes.
The next time I am in a relationship or form any close friendships it is going to be with people who want to be in the relationship or friendship as much as I do and they because choose to be part of my life.
In addition, I know that the man that is meant to be with is someone who values themselves and myself enough not to lie to me even if it results in them getting not what they want. This is another quality that safe people have.
If you truly love someone and yourself, you’ll always operate from a place of truth even if it means you may not get what you want from them.
No solid ship of any kind can be built on a foundation of lies.
Today, the only two people on earth I know I can count on are myself and my father.
Then of course there is our father, our creator, God, if you’re a believer that is.
There are some days where I am so lonely and so sad and so ashamed and just feel so stupid.
How could ever believe that any relationship or “best friendship” that I was part of in the in the past was real, when in reality none of them were because the foundation was cracked to begin with.
In a Nutshell
Don’t keep people hostage in your life because they hurt you. Let them go so they can find someone who they don’t have memories with. Also, so you can find someone who doesn’t remind you of the bad experiences you had with them.
It isn’t easy at all but humans are social creatures. Everyone wants to be loved, cherished, adored and treated with kindness and respect. Everyone wants to be wanted and feel needed and validated.
In order to achieve this, you must surround yourself with safe people, and work on those qualities within yourself that are dangerous. If you don’t know what your dangerous qualities are, think back to the last few arguments you had with people. Think about what they got upset with you about and think about what they said to you.
Especially if they were angry…
Often times, people actually tell you what they are really feeling when they are angry.
It may hurt but that doesn’t mean they are saying it to hurt you. That may be true but sometimes but not always. Often times it means that this is the only time that they feel like they can tell you whats on their mind and they will be heard.
Many people don’t want to yell, scream, curse, insult, or disrespect. Unfortunately when people mistreat you and you are overlooked for too long this becomes the way you learn to handle conflict.
It doesn’t mean its right but that’s what happens. This is a dangerous quality.
Anyway, thank you for taking your time to read this piece. It is something I have been wanting to write for a while but out of fear of offending or this being taken the wrong way I held back.
The good thing about being comfortable with who you are, making peace with your past and speaking from a place of truth, love and healing is that even if someone tries to misunderstand, or misinterpret or twist and turn what you are saying they know, and you know, in your heart exactly what they are saying.
Don’t worry about the ones that don’t support you and worry about the ones that do!
Thank you for your time!