So, you met a person you like. You may have met them on a ‘questionable’ basis, but they have all or most of the characteristics that you would like in a partner. You get excited when you speak with them; your heartbeat is racing n the anticipation that this all unfolds as you imagine. Then BOOM, something happens that brings this situationship to a screeching halt. What happened, besides ignoring the red flags wagging in the air since the day you met…..What happened is the red flags you ignored in the beginning, became exactly what brought this situationship to an abrupt end. Now, your world is turned upside down, stomach hurting, can’t sleep, can’t stop thinking about them; can’t function in your responsibilities…now you want to make up an excuse to see them, while they continue to ignore you. Ouch, that hurts.
Let’s examine the foundation you met this person on. How did you meet this person? Was it honorable (the situation and/or environment); were there any character flaws….where there any hesitations in your spirit that this may not be the right situation for you; did you pick on any signs that the person may have had a different agenda than yours; did the person attempt to get your emotionally (or sexually) engaged a little too soon, did you make this decision too quickly because they appeared to be a dream come true; did it appear to go at a faster pace than was uncomfortable for you; did you make a decision out of a fleshly desire (i.e., sexual attraction)…did you make a decision to entertain this person out of any of your vulnerabilities (any addictions, desire for a partner; loneliness, being happy that ‘someone’ arrived; they paid attention to you;…list goes on). Only you can answer this question, but finding yourself involved in a “complicated situation,” usually involved walking into this situation without value-based standards. You found yourself compromising here and there until you did not recognize yourself any longer. You lost a piece of yourself with every interaction, though others tried to warn you that this might not be the best situation for you. But, “I love him…I loovve her.” Sounds familiar?
Though you are hurting, crying every day; driving yourself crazy thinking about what they are doing; allowing that person to make you look foolish to others; knowing this isn’t the best situation for you….or what you imagined love would feel like. You definitely know that you do not want to continue feeling this way……BUT, you STILL want them. There is a difference between what you know….and what you feel. So, what do you know: 1) you have compromised your values; 2) you went against your conscience when they appeared; 3) they do not like/love you as much as you do them; 4) there are significant differences between the two of you that could be deal-breakers (but you are not trying to hear that; 5) you are opting for temporary happiness, instead of thinking long term gain; and 6) you are likely to be hurting others around you.; 7) you are doing things you would not ordinarily do; and 8) you went down a path that was not originally planned. Wow, that is a bad predicament to be in….but “it hurts so good.”
Now, let’s discuss what you feel: 1) a stong pull toward them; 2) you want to feel good, right NOW; 3) good sex, or other rewards; 4) you may be sharing them with another person(s) sexually; 5) there is some type of societal reward given to you just by being with them (that long time coming recognition that you deserve, right?; envy from others?….); you know that 6) it’s killing you, you are getting physically/mentally ill due to this situation; and 7) I’ve invested so much into this. So, why do people stay in toxic situations?
People unknowingly become “trauma bonded” to persons that remind them of a caregiver of their youth that either emotionally neglected them or rejected them in some form. This ‘rejection” was imprinted on your psyche and so you seek out approval from the person who rejected you. If you could just get THIS person to approve of you…then you can approve of yourself….and it would override the rejection of your youth, then you can FINALLY accept yourself.
Relationships hold up a mirror to ourselves…and magnify what is going on in our inner man, the most vulnerable parts of ourselves…the parts we try to hide from others, and ourselves. Then someone comes along and triggers your “core rejection.” I know you have heard, “we are attracted to what we are.” This is true because this is what we “have a reference for”…….it is what our soul recognizes. We are attracted to “what is familiar.” So, it is less about WHO is showing up, it becomes about “WHAT IS INSIDE OF YOU.” People with similar traumas are subconsciously attracted to each other, this is why you felt that “Wow, I just met you…but I feel like I have known you forever” feeling when you met them. So, the question becomes “what unaddressed parts of your inner person you are hiding from”….and desire someone else to heal? Whatever you do not confront in yourself…will keep showing up…with different people, all wearing the same pants. Like one of my favorite pastors says, “Heal BEFORE you deal.”
~Always KNOW the difference between what you are getting….and what you deserve~
Let’s discuss this further!!
