What do you Want?

What would I give myself permission to want if I really believed I could have anything?


What do you want?

I was sitting in church one day and I heard the Holy Ghost ask, “What do you want?”  I immediately responded, peace, love, joy . . . .He stopped me and said, “I’ve already given you all of that, what do you WANT?”  So at this point I had to stop and really take the question seriously.  What would I give myself permission to want if I really believed I could have anything? I realized how hard that question was for me to answer because I had reduced my wish list to what my world had told me was attainable. To what my mother was able to achieve and my sisters and my neighborhood.  I had reduced it to what I had seen other little brown girls on T.V. be able to achieve.  Quite frankly, that list was small.  My mind had created a life that was much smaller than the one that I could have, the one that was in my heart.  There was this cognitive dissonance between those two worlds that was making me miserable and I had no idea until He asked me that question. 

Since that day, I’ve been challenging myself to want more and as a consequence, I have had to raise my own perception of my value.  I’ve had to raise my expectation of the world around me and my ability to build a world that was big enough to hold my true desires.  Now, I work at wanting.  I drive through high end neighborhoods and allow myself to dream of living there.  I walk through high end store and imagine buying what I want. 

It would seem like wanting more would create more frustration and for a while it did.  As long as the wanting outpaced my perceived value, I was extremely frustrated and depressed. However, it’s okay because it’s now catching up and giving birth to a drive to create the world that I want to live in because I now believe in my ability to do so.  There’s a constant tension between the dream outside of me and the dream inside of me and I’m coming to peace with living with that tension.  I still struggle with turning on the heat when it’s cold and running up my bill over $100.  But, then I also will turn around and invest $1000 in building a business website.  Even I have to laugh at the absurdity of when and how fear shows up in my life.   

Now, I’ll ask you like the Holy Ghost asked me, what do you want?  I want to give you permission to want what you thought you’d never be able to have; a thriving relationship with a person that is faithful, unlimited earning potential, peace, a wonderful life.  You don’t have to just choose one either, you really can have it all. 

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