Who do you love?

But is this the role God called us to when He had the ideal 'wife' in mind?

I do not usually post about dating topics because I have been single for YEARS, however, I have noticed something that perhaps we single Christian women miss…especially in the Black community.

Most times we are encouraged to think about marriage in the sense of ‘romantic love’. The problem with leading to a decision like a lifelong partner based on love puts a lot of us in a state of unrealistic expectations.

Romance is very temporary. Even sex is temporary! The act of establishing and completing a love-making session with your partner does NOT take up the entire 24 hours in a day. So what are we doing with the other +20 hours?


We commit to sharing our lives with people we are romantically connected to and wonder why every other part of the relationship seems to be built on shaky ground.

Here is what I propose. As a woman, the world tells to me chase love when selecting a partner. As an observant woman of God, I propose that we instead pay much more attention to the men we respect and THEN grow to love them.

Almost 7 years ago, God spoke to me about my future husband. Although he was someone I’d known from my past, I wasn’t sure why God spoke to me about him. The man was someone I’d always thought very highly of and respected. He wasn’t bad looking at all, had his own look about him, loved his family, loved God, and was very driven with many talents. He was intelligent and I’ve always seemed to have a soft spot for witty conversation and laughter – he fit that mold. 

The only reason I was surprised at the notion of us connecting romantically was because he’s never shown romantic interest in all the years I’d known him. Although polite, he never asked me out on a date, never paid me a compliment, and he never seemed to initiate any interactions between us. 

But I’ve also respected and thought very highly of him. Then I wondered, how many other men in my life I actually respected…

There are men I was attracted to, sexually compatible with, or lusted over. There were even men I’d pitied and wanted to lift up as a sense of ‘heroism’ (ego tripping) in order to prove how good of a woman or wife I was actually capable of being.

But is this the role God called us to when He had the ideal ‘wife’ in mind?

I know we spend a lot of time focused on picking people we love (or actually just lusting after), but what if this was never God’s intended purpose for marriage – a life-long covenant?

If you are a single woman intentionally seeking God for answers regarding your future partner, I encourage you to write a list of all the qualities in a man you love vs. the qualities of a man you respect. Compare the list and pray over your heart’s intentions when saying ‘yes’ to a potential mate. 

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