Finally Letting Go: An interactive journal reflecting a common experience in unstable relationships

"People don't change people; People change because they want to."

It is hard to move on when your reasons to stay and to go are blurred.

If I may introduce a level of clarity for you, then continue reading along.

The uncertainty of letting go is not because you feel properly loved BY this person. The uncertainty of letting go comes from your love OF this person. More specifically, holding on is a form of wanting and hoping that they will change, even if there is no evidence to support this desire.

After all, he has to change, right? Because we’ve spent too much time grooming him, we’ve invested too much money, gave him too many chances, had too many of his children etc. What is the “too much” that you have given? We have all given “too much” of something.

Many of us settle and forfeit our blessing because we’d rather hold onto what GOD is instructing us to let go of. 

As a woman, we may feel more devoted, nurturing and emotionally tied to our partner, be it our ordained husband or not. It is our nature and more so, sex binds two people together. You begin to believe that if you just gave in and accept everything about him, even when he is wrong, that the relationship would work. If you stay long enough, you may be willing to believe that you are the problem, when actually you are being trained to obey.

After time, two people grow intertwined, even if the growth is chaotic like wild clinging vines trespassing up the side of a window. We get so distracted that we can’t even see a way out. Before you have realized it, you’ve already been entangled.

There was once a time that I had felt so stuck and helpless, that I somehow convinced myself to just give the relationship everything I had.  

But I was not stuck, I was wanting to stay. I couldn’t just walk away empty handed. I wanted to give it just one more chance. I needed yet another reason to leave, though I already had several. I had already given too much to just give up now. I guess what I really needed was to be let down just one more time before I was sure that this particular man was less than I deserve. I had to find the worth in myself.

He didn’t deserve another chance just as I didn’t deserve to put myself through the heartbreak again. Staying longer only made things more difficult as far as separating. The reasons we stay as long as we do and go back as many times as we have or currently do is because we don’t want to lose.

Just think for a moment and realize that if you are capable of having this desire to keep your love, or your family or whatever it is, then isn’t the other person also capable of desiring it? And the fact that you are ultimately fighting for your love alone proves all the more that you need to let go.

So we leave. We tell ourselves the last time was the last time. We tell ourselves that we have cried over them for the last time.

Some days, weeks or even months may pass by and we’re back. How did you get lured back there?

I remember being at a point where I was beginning to feel as though I was betraying myself.

The man repeatedly told me that he loved me and that he will do anything for me. The saddest part is that this felt true to me, even after he had hurt me and betrayed my trust several times. He was helpful, affectionate, emotionally available, provided for me and more. But he did these things when he felt like doing them, not always when I needed him to. I knew that he was capable, but the truth had proven to be at that time that he would do anything for me, besides change…

He will buy an expensive bouquet of flowers, give me money and romantic greeting cards. He will kiss me from head to toe and ask for another chance. He will call my mother and profess his love for me. He will come to my house and drive me to the park just so we can sit in the car and talk like we are teenagers, young and in love for the first time. This man will pray for me. He will hold me as I cry and wipe my tears with the sleeve of his sweater. He will do anything for me, but calm his temper and stop his aggressive yelling. He will do anything but get help to be the man he claims he wants to be, but struggles to become.

… And so you know what you must do. If you had any doubts about leaving, you have seen all that you need to see for those doubts to be cleared. So why the hope that he will change? Why do you still believe that this person will change for the better?

It is because you love them. Get ready for a hard truth. You see, loving a man does not mean that a man loves you. Not on the same level that you love him.

The thing about faith, hope and love is that they endure forever. But in situations like this, I have learned from first hand experience that we have to learn to guard our hearts and see people for where they are, not as we want them to be.

If you are faced with a similar circumstance, you need to think with your head and not your heart. Your mind has to be renewed and you have to start looking at the situation for what it is. When we step outside of God’s will and do things our way, we face the consequences that He wants to protect us from. It is no mystery why we feel the way that we do about the partners we choose to love, be they right or wrong.  

We can not reap the full benefits of God by stepping outside of His order. He is not going to bless our mess. Instead, He wants to take us out of our mess so that He can bless us!

Do what He is leading you to do. You have already proven yourself wrong one thousand times over. And you should know: People don’t change people; People change because they want to. You can not play God in a man’s life. Even Jesus stands at the door, knocking. It is the person who has to let Him in.

If you are single, that is unmarried in any circumstance, then please understand that anothers person’s choices are not your responsibility. You are only accountable for yourself. No one will ask you about another person’s choices when your time comes to give account; You will only answer for your own. 

Release the guilt, break free from that manipulation and mind control and reclaim your happiness. You deserve it!

Vaya Boone

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