Your Absence

Finally, I heard you at 31 years old. You did not sound as expected so I sat there wondering what to say back. I waited to hear you time and time again but you never spoke. I told my plans so I could hear you speak, I did over and above but you never came. Where were you and why didn’t you find your way to me? Those words were the savior I longed to redeem me.  It crushed me not to hear you, it tore me apart to have my efforts dismissed. My drawings, my writings, my exceptional cleaning, my doing things a child should not have to do just to hear you.

Where were you when I graduated with honors, where were you when I was making it on my own, where had you been since I was a little girl with dreams no one understood? When I obtained two certifications in one day, you were not there. I waited so long for you. Disappointment taught me to pretend well.  I could save face but deep down I wanted to hear you. Something that would seem simple to most was major to me. It would have saved me from a vicious cycle. Rescued me from the need for validation and healed me in a moment.

Internally, I am kicking and screaming for you. One accomplishment after another but you were silent. Did you see my great need for you and decided that to break me was to heal me?  Did you not recognize that your absence from childhood was what brought on my nature to do things just to hear you? Why had you done this to me? Why had you spoken to others around me but you repeatedly looked over me? The feeling of not being good enough created a path that took me years to separate myself from. I did not like that road, it cost me a lot. Why didn’t you save me? Even there I waited for you. In oncoming traffic I waited for you. Circling, I waited for you. Abandoning myself, I waited for you.

I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and you still weren’t present. At that point I realized that I did not have what it takes to hear you. I made many more efforts in various settings but you remained quiet. I came very close one day, but the moment someone grew angry with me they recanted all prior statements.  I recall the chatter when I failed and the loud silence when I finally got it right. I was void of you and for a brief moment a people pleasing nature was birth. I did things for others I had not done for myself.  With every step, I wanted to hear you but all I heard was the sound of shattered glass under my feet. The glass was a reflection of what was taking place within every time I looked for you and you were not there.

The moment came in 2015 I was able to hear you. I was buying my home and there you were. I did not know how to receive you so my response wasn’t what you expected. I know they say it is better late than never, but the little girl in me did not feel that way. She had faced the unthinkable because of 5 words. 5 words that were never spoken to her. 5 words that she waited to hear day after day. 5 words that the lack thereof shaped a character trait she would have to have her soul detoxed to remove. 5 words every child wants to hear and until that little girl healed she remained stuck. As an adult, whenever that little girl in her did not hear those words it brought her to a screeching halt.

What we fail to realize is that what we do and do not say to our children makes a huge difference in their lives.  Everything I embarked on was all to hear these words. I was in this, I was in that. I did not know my identity because my quest was to hear these 5 words, “I Am Proud of You.”
I hear you now more than I have ever. You come from people I have never met but I have built a relationship via technology. I had to heal so that I could really accept you. You were absent so long it was a struggle to take you in. The very people I expected you from I did not get you but I have you now. I am healing, evolving and becoming and that makes me proud of me.

I Am Proud of You
Words all children need to hear.



LaToya Nicole #goingSOLO

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